The race report that turns into a story I want to share

Apparently it's taking me weeks to write race reports.  I never did one about my race in DC so I guess a year on some.  Sad thing is I write my posts in my head, while I'm running.  I know who I want to thank, what I want to say.  Yesterday I promised myself today would be the day to write about my day at the North Country Trail Run. 

Then something unexpected happened yesterday, into last night.  Something most won't talk about.  Something that hasn't happened to me in awhile.

Those who know me would tell you I'm a very relaxed person. 

 

Zen.  Go with the flow.

 

Yesterday was totally normal in my family.  We ran to Aldi to get meal prep items and on the way home I stopped to get coffee.  A couple hours later I thought maybe my coffee had been caffeinated.  My heart was racing, I thought I'd peel off my own skin.  Later in the evening I realized it was much more.

I used this energy to get stuff done, laundry, dishes, meal planning, planning my workouts for the next 2 weeks.

At bedtime I was really tired. Laid down, my chest hurt, I felt like my skin was going to burn off. I realized I hadn't eaten a proper dinner. So I got up and grabbed a snack, read a book (The Light Between Oceans is amazing by the way!). I laid back down and was convinced I was having the big one.  I was really close to having my hubby take me to the ER.  Rationale finally came to me and I realized I wasn't dying.

 

 I was having an anxiety attack.

 

And that's exactly what it feels like.  Your world is crumbling down, your heart will explode, your skin wants to peel off.  I have no real reason to explain why this happened.  Nothing triggered it.  It just happened. 

I have had anxiety and stress related issues for as long as I can remember.  I'm really good at masking it and covering it so no one knows. I was medicated after the birth of my twins.  Too much stress with the new babies and my husband's heart literally trying to kill him.  I soon got back into running and found my happy, no meds needed.

I'm lucky that that's the only time I've ever needed meds and that most people aren't as lucky. Last night I really thought my world was collapsing.  No real reason.  Maybe it's the thought of leaving my family for a week for a road trip, ,maybe it was the coffee, maybe it was those age old thoughts that I'm not good enough, that I did something wrong and I'm being judged.
The voice that says you're a
 
Bad Wife, Mom, Daughter, Sister, Friend

 I don't think those feeling will ever go away. Even thought I try to tell them to leave.  I tell myself I can't let external forces control my feelings, control my happiness.

 

I am Strong.

 I am Healthy.

 

 That's what I tell my self on those moments when I feel like I'm falling apart.  It doesn't happen often but it does.  You may see me as strong but I am human.  I do break.

Last night my nerves finally calmed down at 4am.  I'm running on very little sleep but I'm ready to face the day and my workouts for today.  Because deep down I know it will help.

I'm doing my best to escape the feelings of insecurity. 
The feelings that I'm not good enough, that I'll never be good enough, pretty enough, just enough.

I will not let outside forces ruin my happiness.
I am Brave
I am Happy
I AM ENOUGH!

 

Rachael