I lost my way, taking a note from my own self care playbook

Have you ever been super focused?

The kind of focus that gets shit done and the entire world seems to bow at your feet?

Going into May I had that focus.  The end of school for my kiddos was near, everything with my business was coming together, I was starting a new fitness program, I WAS HAPPY!!

Then seasonal allergies hit Indiana.  Now I know there are people who are way sicker but let me tell you my allergies are no joke.  I've discussed before on previous posts my history with how sick I get.  I can't breathe, move, basically function.  After 2 weeks I went to the clinic, I had enough and knew it was only going to get worse.  I was given antibiotics and sent on my way.  In the meantime I couldn't work, I cancelled classes and was recycling videos for YouTube.  The meds were working and I was getting better!  Hooray!

Then my grandma died.  To say her loss was unexpected is an understatement.  If the loss of any 92 year old can be.  She was a piece of my mom that I held so desperately on to.  I so selfishly wanted another 40 years with her. Sitting here now thinking about it I can't even say I feel it's real.

I'm so grateful for this outlet.  If anything it gave me a chance to share her and she actually got a chance to hear those words.
Taking my own self care tips was so difficult!
But here I am at almost physically 100%!!  I taught my first class in forever yesterday and it felt amazing!  YouTube will have new content next week!
Much love and healthy vibes for all of you,
Rachael

Listening to our bodies, even when we don't want to...

I am not a super hero. 

Yes I love a good superhero movie but dang my cape is broken. 

I live life at 100% but today I've crashed. Big time. 

I've been sick on and off for a month. Nothing new I've had seasonal allergies forever. But managing the life I'm building while sick is so difficult. I've had to cancel classes and reschedule YouTube content. Which drives me crazy. I dislike letting anyone done.  Hello people pleaser party of one!

I preach self care and knowing when to say no.
My body has said no.
My mind just needed to catch up.
It's funny how those signs work. 

I struggled with what to do for this Zenday Wednesday, you see my super hero name is captain procrastinator, I don't have a library full of content (which will change I promise). 

Oh but wait!!! [INSERT UNICORN SYMBOL] 

I have that facebook live yoga class. February me looking out for May me! Woot Woot!! I knew I liked her....

This is the first class I ever recorded, enjoy!

I always said I'd share the good and the bad.  Thanks for always loving all of me.

Namaste,

Rachael

My top 5 favorite things right now!!

1. Walk in clinics

2. Nyquil

3. Tissues

4. Tea

5. An understanding community of friends. 

I felt so powerful this weekend during a photo shoot!
My favorite pose of all time!

What pose makes you feel powerful?!

Mom

As many of you know Mother's Day is just around the corner. For me it takes on a whole different meaning. Yeah I'm a mom and I have an amazing husband and great kids who make the day so special for me, but this is the second Mother's day without my mom. 

I've started, stopped, and edited this blog post too many times to count! But today I'm sharing with you my whole heart in little bits and pieces of the blog posts that I put together. Different stories, literally crammed together into one beautiful post. This one is really at the center of my heart and it took a lot to share. May is brain tumor awareness month and I felt it was a sign from the universe to share what glioblastoma did to my family.  Below are pieces of different stories. But even bigger pieces of my heart.

One of my favorite family photos

I lost my mom. I don't think lost is the right word. Losing a loved one isn't like misplacing your keys. No cancer ripped my mom from us. We were best friends. She was my biggest cheerleader. The one person I could count on to be honest about my dreams. She'd often give me a dose of reality but support me anyway. 

November 3rd 2017 started as any normal day. My husband had the day off from work. I'm not quite sure why now, maybe he had worked the night before or was taking a vacation day for something. I honestly don't remember. We were discussing going to breakfast and our plans for travel the next day for my mom's birthday when the phone rang. It was my mom. It wasn't unusual for her to call me at different points during the day, we talked pretty much every day, different times. When either one of us just had a minute to say hi. When I answered the phone this time it was different. She was crying. I couldn't understand what she was saying. She was so upset a month earlier when they had lost their dog and I got a very similar phone call from her. I couldn't figure out what had happened this time but I knew I had to calm her down because she was so hysterical.  The words I finally got out from her was "I'm so confused. I don't know what's going on." I thought she was having a stroke. She showed every symptom and every sign of a stroke. I encouraged her to go to the ER after my sister-in-law came and checked her out and said it wasn't a stroke. I told her she had to go get looked at. The first words out of her mouth were "but who's going to take care of your dad?" Even in the moments when her life was falling apart and she was so confused that she didn't even know how to feed my dad she was worried about someone else. My aunt came and got her, took her to the hospital. 

 I'll forever remember where I was when my brother called me a couple hours later crying saying "mom has brain cancer." The doctor was so confident, it was just two small tumors. The size of  the tip of your finger. Tiny, tiny tumors were destroying my mom. I made the three hour drive up there and spent the night with her in the hospital before surgery the next day, ironically on her birthday because only our mom would have brain surgery on her birthday! I sat with her that night. I don't think we slept at all. We talked and we laughed. I was so scared because of how confused she was about certain things she knew so well. She kept confusing the names of my kids and my pets I always talked so much about. 

 I still had faith that she was going to be fine.

It broke my heart to see her like that. There were a lot of things that went on that morning as a family that I'm just not going to share. I think until you get in that situation of having a loved one who's so sick you just can't put into words how that feels or what goes through your mind. It's such a personal experience. 

My brother and I walked her as far as we could go to the operating room. She was still worried about all of us. She was worried about who was going to take care of dad and who was going to take care of us. We reminded her that she raised such independently strong children and  that it was time for her to be selfish. This was the time for us to take care of her. 

These moments are still so vivid in my mind that I pretty much relive them everyday. Having a doctor tell me that my mom only has weeks to live was the biggest gut-punch I've ever received. I had hope that she would be fine. The hope was taken away just like the air being sucked out of the room when the surgeon spoke. 

My mom fought so hard for 6 weeks. She tried rehab to get some of her cognitive function back and some of the mobility left on the one side damaged by the tumors.  I was so proud  of her for being so strong and always being our families rock. Even through all of that, the weeks and weeks of fighting to just be with us, she really was and still is the rock of our family. 

It doesn't even feel like she's gone. Something will happen and I'll be so excited and happy or devastated and sad and I want to pick up the phone and call her. The phone will be in my hand before I realize that I can't.  She won't answer.

  

In the year-and-a-half that she's been gone she's had three more great grand babies. Every time one of those babies is born it reminds me of the love that she put in all of us. How proud she would be when we all get together and there's chaos, craziness, kids running around screaming and just having  the best time ever. It reminds me that she made that. She created that. She brought all of our beautiful souls together.  

Talking about her with my kids is one of my favorite things to do,  I know some people might dread those conversations, but I love talking about her.  

She had the best eyeroll that I'm grateful to have inherited.  I still feel her in every hug I give.  Every time my daughter wiggles her tiny button nose, thank god she got that from mooma and not papa, I see her face.  But my most favorite thing to have inherited was LOVE.  Simply to love so freely and to do it and say it everyday. 

I miss her every single second and feel like a part of my own heart died.  She'd actually hate to know that.  I'm healing and grieving in my own way. I still talk to her everyday and I even feel her replies because every one of those conversations about nothing were in fact everything.

I can still feel her hand on mine in this picture

I would love to hear stories about your mom!  Please share below.

Let It Go

Are you stuck in an idea of what your life should look like?
The things you should do and don't do?

Or the things that you put too much pressure on yourself to do? 
If this is really your dream then of course you should do it! 

But if you're putting pressure on yourself to live a vision, then maybe it's time to let that go.

I think visualization is so important but not at the expense of your sanity. If you spend so much time visualizing your goals and dreams and ideas coming true but not allowing yourself to be spontaneous OR you're simply not taking action on your goals then that is the combination of a major meltdown.

Are you still hung up on what life should look that you forget to live it?
Has someone hurt you so badly that you just can't let go? 
You are giving someone else way too much power!! 
Take back that control. 
You're only poisoning yourself!

You have the power to dictate anything in your life. The power to follow your dreams or to know when to let go. 

And if you're waiting for your sign or permission, here it is!

Because his words are always more eloquent...

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Set your heart on doing good. Do it over and over again, and you will be filled with joy."

Buddha

Need to let go more click here for a class to help.  It's also good for rainy days and general crabbiness.

When do you feel Powerful?

What do you think of when you hear the word power?

 What about Powerful? 

Do you envision a super hero, someone kicking butt? Does it look something different? Is it about using your voice? 

Is it about being physically strong? Emotionally strong?

Where do you feel most powerful? 

For me it's helping others realize their power. When I lift heavier. Or nail a really difficult yoga pose! My power also comes from my voice! Being who I am!

Physical and emotional strength go together in so many ways.

If you Google the word power you're going to get so much more than you bargained for .  If your profession allows it, power means so much (Hello Math Nerds!!!).

Ok, really back to the point.  When's that last time you felt powerful?  

Share your POWER thoughts with me!

But really at the end this is all that matters

As always there's free yoga!  This week is POWER YOGA!! It's almost like I did that on purpose.

Have a great week friends!

Namaste, 

       Rachael

What's your biggest dream?

Do you have that thing? You know that thing that you always put off until the time is right?

What is your biggest dream? Where do you see yourself in a year? Five years?

If you can hand pick exactly everything you wanted, what would you have? Turn this into action!!! What are the things you could do today, tomorrow, next week, next month? I want to help you reach that vision! That goal, that dream, that purpose. 

The thing that keeps you up at night. The thing that makes your heart beat. That sets your soul on fire! What can you do right now to put yourself on track for everything you've ever dreamed up? 

For me, I'm living it! Yes I have bigger goals! I have bigger dreams! But everyday I get to wake up and pour my heart into all the work that I do, to make myself better, to see growth in all of those around me. Everyone who tells me "you inspire me" or that goes the other way. To see other people that inspire me and what are they doing? What are their dreams? What are their goals? There's nothing more heartwarming then seeing someone kick ass on their dreams and their goals, to say "I did it look what I did!"

I guarantee I've been where you are and there are people out there who have been where I am. To see the  growth and focus that we put into our lives and businesses, it's absolutely amazing!

There is a purpose for you! 

There is a calling!

There is a dream!

So I ask again, what is that one thing that you've always wanted to do? Have you wanted to write a book?  Have you wanted to take a class? Have you wanted to do a thing? What is your thing? What is the one thing that sets your heart on fire that you've been holding off doing? 

Do you have a fear that it won't work? Do you have a fear that it will work and you'll love it?  Do you not have time? Do you not have money?

So again what can you do today to set yourself up for that Wildest Dream, because we all have one. Don't say you don't have one you have one, there's something you want so fiercely but that's all you daydream about let's make that day dream your reality

Vision without action is a dream. Action without vision is a nightmare~~Japanese Proverb

My top five for today?  You guessed it!  

Comment the top 5 things you are doing to put your dream plan into action!!

Namaste, Rachael 

As always on Zenday Wednesday here's your YOGA 101

Less Things, More Love

I recently spent a couple days with my grandma. She is 92 and still lives independently. Just as feisty as I remember from my childhood.  First night there I made dinner, it was just pasta and meatballs. I opened a cupboard door to look for pots and pans and she literally just had one of every size pan. Myself, I probably have two or three of every size pan (a trait I inherited from my mom) . But here my grandma has just one of every size pan. Then when I went to find the colander to strain the pasta I realized she only had one of those too. I have three. Different sizes, different materials for different things, and it honestly got me thinking about why I have so much stuff. She has one Pyrex pan. I have two of the big ones, one medium one, and two round ones.  Why do I need all this stuff (Ok these were wedding gifts)?

One of my favorite pictures.  My mom, my great grandma holding me, and my grandma

It really got me thinking about her era and the time that she comes from. She's lived in the house that my grandfather built 65 years ago. She's lived in the same block for more than 70 years!

I've moved across the country, twice. I've had three homes for my kids. Five for just myself, I lived in my childhood home until I met my husband and moved away (that home sits next to my grandma's on the land they gave my parents as a wedding gift).

My grandma lived through WWII, had 2 amazing daughters, raised them while working as a post master, showed grace and love after losing my grandpa and my mom, and still to this day gives the best hugs and kisses. I'm so grateful to still have her and my dad's mom who's also in her 90's. 

Yes my kids spent their spring break with their gran. 

A family rite of passage, being taller than Gran

We spent a lot of time watching The Game Show Network and my kids loved the old school Match Game. She taught them how to play crazy 8s and giggled with them while I taught them to play chess. 

Being able to take care of and spend time with someone who helped shape who I am is an honor.  I hope to be her when I grow up.  She really opened my eyes to living simply, with less things and more love.  

Who has shaped your life?  Have you noticed anything different about yourself as an adult and your grandparents?

My Gran is way cooler than you.

I don't have a Top 5 Things this week, exactly.

I want you to reach out to the TOP 5 people who shaped your life.  Say Thank You, ask them the questions you've always wanted to know.  Show them the love they've always shown you.

As always, there's free yoga RIGHT HERE!!

Until next week, much love, 

Rachael